Saturday, November 20, 2010

How to become a successful astrologer



Note: This post is not intended to be insulting towards astrologers or numerologists . It's just a take on an idea to mimic an astrologer without any knowledge. Please take in lighter vein :)

In my school and college days, my Dad got an interesting hobby- numerology. He found a book and then used to tell people things about them from that book - and it looked as if the book was 60-70% accurate.

One other time, I had an encounter with a self-proclaimed 'Gyaani' who told me things about myself. Slowly and steadily, I found a pattern . There was something about this that would work without any astrology skills.

I have tried this trick on a few people and it has worked. It's simple really.

1. Claim that you have studied astrology via a book/parents/guru for a short time

2. Generate some interest by claiming that you have generally been accurate

3. Take the person's birth details , ask some questions [ like if they say they were born on so-and-so date, ask for time , confirm somethings ]. This simply builds your reputation and makes people think that you know a lot.

4. Start out with the predictions

i. You are a very hardworking person

This is really a line which no one in the world will every deny. Even people like Arjuna Ranatunga will say that they would always claim that they are extremely hardworking

Interest piqued.

ii. You have not really achieved what you are capable of . Something that would match your intelligence and diligence.

99 % of the world thinks like this. I do. My boss does. His boss does. It's human nature. This might result in a sign of "So true!!"

iii. You are very helpful and considerate to people's needs.

This one works in a crowd setting. No one is going to admit in a bunch of people that he or she is the most selfish person born on planet Earth. Even without people, it's extremely difficult to tell your inside ego that you are really quite selfish from inside.

iv. You have had a really major incident in your life in the last x years [ Make x between 5 and 10 depending upon the person's age


Trust me, everyone of us has had one major incident in the last 5-10 years [ Getting a job, an accident, moving countries, getting a baby, starting a new business]. Most people will be like , 'Yeah, absolutely correct! This happened 5 years back!'

If you know the person and his life history well, try to be more accurate here. It'll work wonders.


5. At this point, check the mood. If you think your reputation is built, move to next step. Else loop around


6. Time to start with predictions. This is the easy part. There's no reference to check, so you can get away with what bu** you say.

i. The next 5 years are going to be very important in your life


This is a charge-up line. Like having a coffee before an exam. It'll suddenly get the feeling of "It's time to do something"

ii. You should take more risks at this age

This thing is sure to get some questions. If you are comfortable, make up a Ekta Kapoor-esque story involving Jupiter, Saturn and the Sun ( or in Indian languages as Rahu, Ketu and some term that they have never heard of ] Most people will not understand a word of it and also not admit that they did not understand it.

iii. Predict Marriage

This is a very sensitive one.Of course, it's for unmarried people. Give them a date 2 years from now. "The best 'Yog' to get married is in 2014 . February." After all, who's going to sue you if they don't find someone by that time. If they do, your reputation will work wonders. After all, your luck is also good sometimes .


iv. Predict Age and Wellness

This one is amongst the easiest. Predict an age of about 75-80. If you see a long lifeline and can make up something, put it to 90. Do some jargon about the behavior of the line.

Predict one illness from the present date to the time of death. It's fairly logical and averages out well.

7. Come up with lucky entities.

This is a good time to use your knowledge and end on a high. Check what facts you know about the person, like wife's birthday, anniversary, color of car. If you know some secrets about them, you got a big bonus.

i. Life partner names
If you know that the person is already committed secretly, pick up the letter of the spouse's name and say that that letter is extremely lucky for him

ii. Colour and number combo's
Pick up a color from Red, Blue, green, yellow , a number between 0 and 9, a stone from sapphire, pearl, ruby, emerald, a month of the year and claim that that's lucky for them.

I myself am not too keen on this step since it induces unnecessary superstitions, but nevertheless, something that works .

8. Say "God Bless You" and move on before people get too sentimental .

6 comments:

mail2venks said...

This is creative indeed! The next step is to set a turing machine after it.

mail2venks said...

This is creative indeed! The next step is to set a turing machine after it.

Anonymous said...

I am surely going to try this now . Good post!

Animesh said...

Good post. Another one

"Jitna aap doosron ke liye karte hain, doosre aapke liye nahin kartey" (You do much more for people than they do for you)

Works always :)

Meghana said...

Well, this was too simplistic. I expected a more robust post on this one.

Turning Green said...

Harshit, you forgot the last step.
- Come up with a name that sounds like you know what you're talking about (aka Prem Jyotish).

- Begin a call in phone line available 24 hours a day and create cheesy commercials, with people sad one moment and happy the next, to air during cheesy soaps.